This was written 11 years ago. I was just rummaging through files and realized I have not posted this piece from the baul.
Have you ever truly experienced the miracle of life?
For more than seven years now, each day has been a miracle of this life — this little hand that knows how to touch me just at the right place that I end up smiling without realizing it; this little voice that shouts out Celine Dion songs like there was no tomorrow; this little body, so warm, so alive and thankful to be so! She makes me grateful for having survived this arduous journey called life, inspite of myself. She gives me hope that love could still be so innocent, trusting and pure. And no giddy moment with a man could ever surpass the words, "I love you, too, Mama!"
A child did all that to me. And she is my child – seven years old and still my baby. Mothering is an utterly astonishing experience. After all this time, and I am still taken by the surprises of the “profession.”
When I was still single, I took on jobs that required me to travel and socialize. I was barely home. Late nights were common and my friends knew I was ok with all-nighters. Even my boyfriend back then had almost the same lifestyle. By the time we got married, that hadn’t changed. And we didn’t want it to change for a while, but the fates had something else in store.
It all started with a dream
The words came to me at that stage between sleeping and waking. The rush of ideas came flowing in me and the desire to write them down was overwhelming. At the time I thought it was inspiration for a special gift for a friend who was a doting dad.
little hands and little feet
innocence and life meet
little mouth and little pout
demanding when you're all out
little hugs and little kisses
privileges one always misses
little steps and little chases
makes your heart alter paces
little cries and that little whimper
making you a little nimbler
little words and little ideas
She uses to describe you and me as
little eyes and little heart
very human in every part
Parenting
October 18, 1997
Unexpected
My husband and I had agreed to wait for about two years before having a baby so that we could have some time alone and to be able to save up for the responsibility. Thus, it was not a considered a premonition to have dreamt of the poem ten months into the marriage and exactly one year and one day before I gave birth to my baby girl.
In February 1998, things got very hectic at the office due to the preparations for a major event. The stress of my new job at the time bore down on me so I wasn’t really surprised that my period was delayed. After a couple weeks I started having suspicions. I was gaining weight and mass around my hips. I am not known to be one to eat much, yet there I was munching on any food in sight.
I took the home pregnancy test in the morning when the instructions said it was most effective. The result was undoubtedly positive and it was the best news I could get at so early a time of the day. I told my husband first, then my parents, then my sister, then my friends. The rest found out through this announcement via email:
so this is how it is
to have someone so close all the time
to feel someone's presence in me
to know i have this happiness growing in me...
It was 18 February 1998 and I was about one month pregnant.
Surreal experience
The first trimester was almost unreal to me. I was so different. I ate a lot – way more than I usually did (I'd been told I eat like a bird), I gained a lot of weight (from 98 lbs. to 115 lbs.), plus the morning sickness (nausea, dizziness, lethargy, etc.)
Almost exactly a month after the announcement, we had the sonogram done to help us determine the exact age of my baby. The ultrasound technician commented that the baby was "malikot" and the one hand made it looked like the baby was waving at us through the probe. While watching the baby play patintero with the probe and wave at us, I was in complete awe. IT'S ALIVE !!! ... and it's in me!
Then it dawned on me. Oh gee... I AM pregnant. Somebody is INSIDE me. I am having a baby! And all the anxiety, excitement and bewilderment came flooding to me all over again, just as it did when I saw the pregnancy test result. I AM GOING TO BE A MOMMY.
I took a month-long leave from work. I was finding it difficult to adjust to all the changes happening to me. It was not very easy waking up to nauseous spasms and continuous dizz. The doctor prescribed vitamins and iron pills. I also started having palpitations and was warned that I may have to have my heart and thyroid checked. I couldn’t have caffeine in any form. No coffee, no chocolates, no softdrinks, no tea... I felt so deprived! I was a workaholic who couldn't work so hard, a coffee-holic who couldn't drink coffee, and a choco-holic who couldn't eat chocolates... oh life!
I was undergoing a metamorphosis. In due time, even the things I was going through changed and life became so very different.
Deep thoughts…
Introspection played a big role then. There I was at a turning point in my life and the responsibility seemed daunting.
I am headstrong and determined. But being a mother is like nothing I ever expected. All of a sudden, my priorities lay on that little someone who seem to dictate how I should be without even asking for it. I never thought I'd ever let anyone influence me this much.
Emotionally, the pregnancy was a hodge-podge of everything-- anxiety, excitement, fear, joy, anticipation. I was both nervous and impatient to see this little one who got away with kicking me daily. And to this day, she still gets away with kicking me (at play and while asleep).
Psychologically, I wondered if I was prepared. Motherhood had seemed an enigma-- an undefined role that demands a lot from a woman – to set her career aside for a while, right at the time when she is at her prime; to start concentrating on a separate person who is wholly dependent on her – and taking care of a husband is very different.
On one hand, it was scary. There I was at the threshold of rearing a baby. I was about to shape someone’s life. If I foul up, she'd be screwed!
On the other hand, it was also hopeful. A life was about to come out of me. An entirely new person! If I do well, I would be giving a big contribution to humanity...and that was only the beginning of a life-long dream.
Trouble in Paradise
At six months into the gestation, I experienced pre-term labor. I thought it was only stomach upset, an ulcer or a really bad case of diarrhea.
It’s a good thing we didn’t wait too long before going to the doctor. At 6 months, pre-term labor means bad news. It required me to have total bed rest for at least three days at the hospital… and man, was I bored!
As I realized that I experienced only a fraction of what mommies go through at labor, I also learned a valuable lesson in respect for these great women who can endure so much and still be happy about it – so happy they’d be willing to go through more of it.
The Mommy Lifestyle
My lifestyle had to change. No more late nights. No more unnecessary overt-time at work. More eating. More sleeping.
After 28 weeks, I had gained 28 lbs. (a record, understandably). By the time I was about to give birth, I had gained 50 lbs. and walked like a penguin. (Yes, I had a figure – round!) For one who hates pills, I took at least three a day. For a former insomniac, I slept as early as 9:00 pm. I was eating so much that I was waking up in the middle of the night to eat something. And the milk! A liter didn't last me three days, whereas it took me more than a week to do that before. My Sustagen (mixed with Swiss Miss with Marshmallows) became like water to me. I drank about 3-4 mugs everyday ever since I started bringing some mix to the office.
My back was straighter than ever. Bending down and getting up was hard since my center of gravity had shifted considerably. Movement was slower too. Running felt too heavy and I panted easily. Also, I tended to sleep more. I would get sleepy more often and the desire to hit the sack for an afternoon nap became greater and greater. I sweat a lot too. There were some nights when the sweat on my pillow was more than the sweat on my husband’s pillow, yet he weighed even more than I did.
And the people around me were different towards me too. They all made sure I did not over-exert nor did anything too strenuous. They gave me food all the time and I was grateful for it. Even the fruit vendor looked forward to selling me apple-mangoes every morning because she believed a pregnant woman brought her luck by being her first customer for the day. And my boss, a certified grand-dad, made sure I took my vitamins regularly.
Through it all, I did not resist one bit – this independent strong-willed woman took it all in happily. I had turned into a Mommy!
D-day-B-day
A pelvic x-ray revealed that my bones had not made enough room for the baby to pass through. The doctor decided to wait a couple more days to see if I would be able to adjust, but if I didn’t I would have to be induced, hoping that this would trigger more movement on my pelvis. She feared that if we waited longer, the advanced stage of my baby would create complications.
I checked into the hospital at 11:00 am on October 19, 1998 without signs of labor. When the medicine to induce labor was administered, I quickly had one centimeter dilation. Throughout the day, machines were hooked to me to monitor my system and the baby’s. By 6:00 pm, my dilation was still at one centimeter, the doctor recommended that I go under the knife. My husband and I concurred.
Ingrid Kimbal F. Galgana was born a healthy baby at 6:20 pm weighing 7.7 pounds at 33 centimeters. I heard her cry in the operating room but I had to wait for three days before I could see her since I had to recuperate from the surgery.“Ingrid” is the name of the Norse Goddess of nature. Further research shows that it also means “princess”. “Kimbal” means “warrior leader”. Her nickname is Kimi. It’s the Japanese name for “princess” or “she who has no equal.”
A baby no more
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| Kimi at two years old |
And my baby is growing so fast! After the many firsts we went through in the last seven years, it still amazes me how there could still be firsts up to now. Only last week, while watching a newly released animated feature, a character sang an aria and my daughter sang with it – not very well modulated but hitting the correct notes. I’ve always known she likes music, but opera?
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| Kimi at seven years old |
I can only sigh – how time flies!
Boys!
Only recently, I got a “wake-up call” to just how fast she is growing – a brush with a boy showing special interest in my progeny. Who would have thought that I would be hovering over her like an eagle, talons out and ready to gouge his eyes at the slightest provocation?
They were at play at the playground. It was never unusual that my Kimi would befriend a child or two within the hour we spend there. Oft times, she would dote on a toddler or play rough with other children her own age until she comes back to us sweating, flushed but happy. This time, the boy was paying a different kind of attention to her.
There was something in the way he stared at her. My daughter speaks fluent English with an American accent (thanks to Sesame Street, Playhouse Disney and Nick Jr.) and he spoke in the vernacular, yet they seem to understand each other. He followed her about, even as she came back to me our table for a sip. He never dared come too close but he was there. Perhaps my brazen stare stopped him. That maybe just as well for I desired to instill in him the fear of a mother protecting her young. But he did have the audacity, at one point, to ask me if we went to the place everyday, to which I responded with a curt “no,” one brow raised and my face deadly serious.
Upon interrogation, my daughter admitted that she did "like" the boy though she could not remember his name, nor did she know his surname, age and place of residence. On further prodding, she confessed that he had “felt her skin on the cheek.” My feathers were promptly ruffled. Had I the fangs…
I wasted no time thereafter. Mother and daughter had a heart-to-heart talk. Beware of boys! More especially, beware of boys who pay too much attention! He can hurt you and you will let him. There is nothing wrong with liking them, but know them enough first!
I may laugh at this account in the future. Right now, I have this burning desire to keep my only daughter in an island of Amazons – where men are shown their place and kept at bay, and the women lay the rules of engagement.
Yes, I have turned into an honest-to-goodness-over-protective-mother. Who would have expected this?
Me, a mommy
Gone are the nights of all-night gimmicks and drinking alcohol. In fact, I hardly ever go on gimmicks anymore; and I have almost completely stopped imbibing alcohol since I started driving (I can’t risk that precious cargo with me, can I). I’ve long tossed out the tight-fitting outfits in exchange for the rather loose clothing that hide the “baby fat” that never really “left” since I got pregnant.
I do miss going out with my friends. These days, these rare get-togethers have to be scheduled around the school activities, children’s parties and visits to the cousins. Thanks to technology-- instant messaging, emails and blogs-- I keep in touch with most of my friends, IF they are tech-friendly.
Career-wise, I had resorted to freelance work so I could stay home more. Since her school schedule frees up a lot of my time now, I can to take on a full-time job (which would also help pay for the increasing costs of her education). As a result, I’m not filthy rich, financially.
Is it worth it?
Hell, yeah!
This four-and-a-half foot tall “princess” gets away with dictating how my life goes – and she doesn’t even realize it. And Lord knows what else I am willing to give up for her.My life revolves around my Kimi. And I’m glad it does.
Soon, I know she will want her own life. She will have her secrets from me and I may find it hard to understand how she’d think then. The thought is scary, but it is part of what is to come. I am bracing myself for that time…and I am hoping (and praying!) I would be prepared by then. Motherhood, it seems has taught me to be more patient.
These days, I dream of seeing her grow into a woman who has admirable strength and wisdom. I will let her choose her own path. This early, I know she will be headstrong and I know only too well that getting in her way would be disastrous. As her mother, I dream and I pray.
Ten years ago, I never thought I’d be how I am today. Back then, I didn’t even think of motherhood as something that would actually happen to me. But life has a way of turning you upside-down. With the way it is now, I’m pretty much settled with what I am – a mommy. And it all started with just a dream…
So, here's to the changes, no matter how drastic they may seem!
